How best to say this?
I don’t understand why so many awesome girls in Christian circles are single.
I need to clarify this from the outset. I do not in any way think that being married or having a family puts you ahead (in some weird pecking order of Christian-feminine-hierarchy) than another girl. But it is the end game… at least most of the time it is. God commanded us to go forth and multiply, to meet someone, get married, have a family, but where you are in regards to this instruction it doesn’t add or take away from you as a person.
In the last year or so I’ve found it amusing as often married women in church, my age or younger than I am hold themselves in a manner that puts themselves above unmarried (like me) or single women. This should never happen, and it reminds me of that scene out of Pride and Prejudice when Kitty comes home after marry Wickham and tells Jane to get in line behind her although Jane’s the older sister because she’s married now. If you have ever done this, stop right now.
All this aside, relationship, marriage, family, that is the end game. And it’s a good end game, I just don’t know why it isn’t the end game of so many amazing Christian girls.
The thing is that I am not an expert. Sometimes I look at my super awesome single friends and have no idea how I ended up with a boyfriend let alone a fiancé. I met my fiancé at a church conference and he was from a completely different city to me. We have three days to get to know one another and never looked back. It was just a matter of right place, right time, right frame of mind. Problem is for some people it isn’t that simple.
Maybe you find your guy after years of friendship?
Maybe you find your guy after telling him how you feel he turns you down then goes away and realizes, actually no, he is into you he just hasn’t been looking at you right?
Maybe you met like my fiancé and I did by accident and it just clicked.
There is no set way.
The thing is it still doesn’t answer why there is this surplus of stunning women.
So I wanted to talk about three things as a Single Christian Girl you shouldn’t do, and three things as a Single Christian Girl you should do.
They are things I know not because I am an expert, but because Josh and I will often talk about what happened to one of my friends and I will be all ‘DO YOU THINK HE LIKES HER!?’ (super optimistic) and he gives me that look, cocks an eyebrow, and shakes his head.
Here we go – please don’t hate me
Three Things You SHOULDN’T Do:
1) Facebook or other Social Media Posts with any reference to ‘wife’, ‘wife training’ ‘mum,’ ‘playing mum’ etc. Back in bible college if anyone ever did anything domesticated someone had to take a photo and post it immediately on the internet so her crush can see it and think, ‘Ah ha! I have found the woman I want to marry!’
This is the thing about girls. We get giddy on the long term things before boys do. Imagining getting manicures with our daughters, having our own house, cooking dinner for our beautiful families. Boys? When they are looking for their woman (said Woo-man! all gangsta like) they don’t want to imagine searching for your craving foods when you’re pregnant or family Christmases. They want a sausay hot stuff – and that’s not talking about being the most beautiful person ever, it just means a girl they find sexy. Sexyness is more about confidence and happiness in themselves than a face from a magazine.
I understand as a woman, especially if you’re closer to 30 than 20, and you have married friends/family you’re thinking about this stuff but for a man they just want to think about dating, and you wearing a super pretty dress when they take you out.
2) Hanging Out In A HUGE Girl Squad. I can appreciate this is really in right now, especially because Taylor Swift has a massive girl mafia, but for boys a huge flock of girls is super intimidating. How are they ever going to ask you out if you’re surrounded by chattering ladies all the time who stare at him when he gets within range? This is not to say ‘stop hanging out with all your girlfriends at church’ but just be mindful of it. You want a guy to feel comfortable approaching you. I can already hear you say ‘but he should have guts and just do it!’ Yeah, well, it takes enough guts to come and talk to you. It can come off super intimidating for guys if you’re in a flock of chattering girls, so make an effort to avoid enormous groups of females. I know that sounds tragic, but a group of 3 or 4 is way less terrifying for your average Joe.
3) Taking Every Encounter SUPER Seriously. It is tempting to take every conversation, text, message, look, or encounter of every kind, pull it apart with every single close friend and scrutinize every moment of it. Don’t do this. It makes you a crazy person, and guys can smell crazy. I understand that each date you get asked out on, or coffee you’re invited to could be with your possible future husband, but it also may not be. Guys get super put off when you come on too strong. The problem is this. A guy asks you for casual coffee somewhere, and you instantly start:
– Planning your outfit to be cute but also super beautiful
– Planning what you’re going to talk about
– Thinking about if you should text him later after the date to see if he had a good time…
And then in five seconds you’re discussing with your friends where you and he will spend Christmas, and what you’ll name your kids, and the songs you’ll use at your wedding and Pinterest.
Pinterest. Pinterest. Pinterest until the cows come home.
The problem with doing this is that it leaves you emotionally unguarded. You’re making all these imaginary connections and commitments and all you’ve done is share a drink with the guy.
You absolutely need to loosen up. Going out for coffee with a guy is NOT a big deal. If he asks you out after that, and then again, THEN it is a big deal.
Let me stress this: guys can smell crazy desperate. Josh told me so.
Three Things You SHOULD Do:
1) Be available. The temptation, especially in church, is to be at and do everything because you’re serving. Problem is that sometimes a guy will look at you in all your sunday-super-star glory and think… she would NEVER have time for me! Make sure that you don’t over commit, that you aren’t super tense because you’re always busy and on the run and on your feet. Slow down, take time, be available.
2) If He Wants It He’ll Come And Get It (Na, na, na, na) I know girls who have done a whole lot of initiation, which is fine, but not ALL the time. I literally stalked my fiancé to facilitate us meeting because he was the best looking boy I’ve ever seen. Thing is, he didn’t know it. This is because I am a social mastermind! (Kidding.) The thing is, for a guy they want to chase you. It is in them to chase you, so let them do the initiating. ‘But I don’t know if he liiiiiiiikes me so I have to have the talk with him’ Trust me. If a guy is interested, he will chase you. If he doesn’t chase you, doesn’t matter, move on.
3) Strive To Be Comfortable In Yourself. A lot of the time we build up walls because we aren’t comfortable in ourselves just as us. These walls aren’t just emotional walls, but also physical ones. Only feeling brave in a HUGE flock of girls (as mentioned above) over committing our time and being inaccessible for a guy even if he did ask you on a date… (again, mentioned above). Being comfortable with yourself means not taking every second of the day to strive to be better, being okay with where you are right now. This means when you’re tired, rest, rather than worrying about missing out, or the evil of FOMO. This means not taking it on board if a guy doesn’t reciprocate feelings to you. This means taking a huge chill pill and not having to point out how excellent a wife you’ll make because you microwaved a pasta dish.
I know this may sound super harsh, but the only reason I say it is because I have either made or almost made every single one of these mistakes too. The thing is I know that being in a relationship isn’t the thing that adds value, but it is the end game – an end game God is on board with.
I swear this is said in love!